Money troubles? These life-hacks will give you all the savings tips you’ll ever need. EVER.
Photo credit to 401 (K) on Flickr
Reduce the cost of expensive toothpaste by liquidising all your food, then using an offcut of a hosepipe to syphon it straight down your gullet
2. Replace your pens by using a pieces of dried penne pasta as a quill. Instead of buying ink, dip it in your own blood. It’s free!
3. Do you begrudge paying huge fees for domestic window cleaning? Use a rag to apply cheap vodka to the outside of your window panes, then set them alight and call the emergency services. Your exterior windows will be hosed clean by firefighters at no cost to you. Kerching!
4. Cut back on petrol used visiting elderly relatives by simply not bothering.
5. Can’t afford a foreign holiday this year? Hand out lilos and inflatable animals to the swimmers at your local public baths, then sit on the edge of the pool on a plastic garden chair reading a Lee Child novel.
6. Save money on bereavement counselling by not making any meaningful emotional attachments with another human being.
7. Not enough spare cash to get an ‘Apple Watch’? ‘Sellotape’ an old ‘Iphone’ to your wrist and look at it down the wrong end of a telescope.
8. Binding your kids feet to prevent them from growing will significantly reduce your spending on costly children’s shoes of increasing sizes
9. Cut down on costly milkshake bills by cutting your chocolate ‘Nesquik’ powder with the brown dust left at the bottom of boxes of ‘Coco Pops’.
First dates can always be nerve-wracking at the best of times. These 7 tips for what to not do should steer you in the right direction.
photo credit to Boston Bill on flickr
1. Purchase large ticket electrical items- Shopping on a first date isn’t completely out. Visiting a local shabby chic boutique or a vinyl record shop might make a fun talking point, but buying expensive white-goods such as fridge/freezers or washer/dryers should perhaps wait for another occasion.
2. Insist on discussing the relative merits of the firebombing of Dresden- Talking about ‘deep’ issues or contentious politics isn’t a good idea for a first date; and dividing military action into acts of war or genocide is really a fifth date thing.
3. Shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die– Everybody likes Johnny Cash, but fanboy-type behaviour should be introduced slowly to a potential new partner. That’s aside from the logistical problems if you happen not to be in the State of Nevada at the time, or if you are not in possession of a firearm.
4.Take a shot of cherry brandy from your hip flask every time she mentions her kids – Many single women are going to have kids these days. You’re just going to have to get over it. Also, alcohol should be taken in moderation on a first date. If at all.
5.Show off your arc welding skills in the restaurant- Even in these enlightened times women still like a man who is ‘handy’. This might be seen as a bit showy-offy though. Maybe just casually mention that you were doing a bit of DIY at the weekend.
6. Check ‘Trip Advisor’ reviews for every street you enter– There’s nothing wrong with getting the heads up on the places you visit but this might be overkill.
7. If you’re catching a movie, keep asking “Is this the one with the little person out of ‘Fantasy Island’ in and where Christopher Lee has got three nipples?” – It isn’t. That’s ‘The Man with the Golden Gun’ and it hasn’t been on general theatrical release for nearly forty years.
1. In the early noughties Steve Jobs ran into financial difficulties after acquiring an insatiable taste for roasted panda cubs. It is thought that the Chinese government built a coal fired power station with the money he secretly paid them for the meat.
2. Famed musical theatre composer Andrew Lloyd Webber once gave cash to Indonesian officials in exchange for a place on a firing squad executing a convicted drug smuggler. Speaking about his experience to Time Out magazine at the London Premier of ‘Evita’ he said: “Getting a hit record and winning ‘Tony’ and ‘Grammy’ awards is all very nice, but nothing can compare to that feeling of utter omnipotence just before you snuff out the life of another human being. “
3. Queen’s born Rapper and erstwhile crack dealer Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson has the largest collection of late Victorian hand carved wooden carousel animals in the United States. “I have some fibreglass ones, but the wooden ones are more my jam,” he told MTV Base in 2009. “For me, the carving on the manes of some of Marcus Illions’ horses can stand against the chisel work of the greatest sculptures – Just exquisite.”
4. Media Mogul and paranormal enthusiast Oprah Winfrey bank-rolled a two decade long investigation attempting to prove the existence of the Yeti. $86 million, a 150,000 square-foot Nepal based research centre, and two missing Himalayan expeditions later she cut off funding calling it “a f*cking massive waste of time and money.”
5. Retail magnate Samuel Walton had 45 members of the Wal*Mart store security staff entombed in his crypt to protect him in the after-life. The move proved to be controversial after some of the sacrificed guardian’s families complained that they had not been adequately compensated. Leanne Vitti, wife of Denver based security guard and subterranean sentry Robert Vitti, told Rocky Mountain News that whilst she understood that as a Wal*Mart employee her husband’s potential lifetime earnings were not going to have been substantial, “two tickets to ‘The Lion King’ and a ten year supply of ‘Cheerios’ was not what (she) was expecting.”
6. Virgin boss Richard Branson is thought to have spent £4.20 on a Chicken Caesar Wrap in service station whilst travelling to a business meeting in Manchester. Speaking about his purchase to The Independent he said, “I was going to get a bottle of Fanta as well but I didn’t want to be temped into getting a blueberry muffin with the meal-deal. The Chicken Caesar is more calories than you think, but I don’t like any of the other flavours.”